How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids | Parenting A to Z

Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and this week we're talking all about yelling Specifically, how to stop yelling at our kids

Because ughhh! It's just, it's so gross! It's so gross! It's like we all hate it, we don't like doing it, it makes us feel guilty, our kids behaviour is not changing, it's enough to make your head want to explode! So grab your cup of coffee, I've got some great tips and tools and strategies to help you get your calm on! I know, I think we'd all like to be a little bit more calm, right?! So buckle up, we'll get right to it! So first off the top, there's just a few myths I want to address Because I feel like when it comes to yelling at our kids, when we totally lose our minds, it's so easy to fall into that trap of thinking that we're the only ones doing this That were the only ones losing our cool But you know what?! As I was picking this video I just typed in just to see, I typed it in Google, "how to stop yelling at your kids" and guess how many results came up? Like 67 MILLION results! So if that's not enough right there, to kind of tell you that you're in good company, you're in good company! I imagine there's, well everyone else watching this video is in the exact same boat you are! So you are not the only one

The other thing is too, that you're a bad parent That you're an awful parent All of us lose our cool from time to time None of us like it Because anybody watching this video obviously wants to stop yelling at their kids

So we're all in the same boat We're all in the same boat It doesn't make us bad people, it doesn't make us bad parents, we just need some other ways to get some stuff off our chest And the other thing too, before I go into any tips or tools, is I also want to address this whole idea that it's really easy to just stop yelling at your kids Because it is not! Depending on your personality, and the way you were raised, and how you react to stress in general, it can be your life's work! I know, I'm hoping that's not scaring you! I'm hoping that's not scaring you off, but the thing, I guess the message I'm trying to say is, parenting will always be an amateur sport

There will be certain things and certain relationships that we constantly have to work on And that's okay It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you a failure at all It makes you someone who is invested enough in your relationship, in your relationship with your kids, to constantly be working at it And constantly be trying to make those changes and make those tweaks to build up your relationship

You're here, you're working on it, and that's absolutely what matters that's what matters, right there And heck! Like honestly, for me guys, this is a constant work in progress Just even last week I lost my ever-loving you-know-what on my kids for something completely stupid It didn't matter at all

Even as I was losing it I knew it was ridiculous And it just happens sometimes It happens sometimes The key is what we do after And the key what we do moving forward

So welcome! I am so glad you're here! And as far as how to deal how with yelling at your kids, I think the biggest thing, I know for me and for a lot of the parents I work with, it's just becoming aware of your triggers Because I feel like we are triggered by so many different things, and it's such an individual thing We all get triggered by different things But just have an awareness of what gets your goat What sends your blood pressure rising

What empties your tank What leaves you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and deflated And it probably will have nothing actually to do with your kids Referencing the time I lost it on my kids last week, it had literally nothing to do with them I was stressed about something completely different

So I was running on empty I had a short fuse And unfortunately, they were the ones to bear the brunt of it So there's this system that I really love, it was actually created I believe in the addictions space, helping people who are dealing with addictions recognize their own triggers And it's called HALT

Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired? Cuz those four things are kind of universal triggers for everyone The four big ones Are you hungry? Are you hangry?! Hello! I know I can be! Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired? Because when you can start to feel yourself get agitated, just saying, like okay, HALT! Am I any one of these things? Let's take care of that first before I try and deal with the kids And heck, if that means having a snack, then you just have yourself a snack! You do what you need to do to get yourself in that state where you can positively deal with your kids So just have that awareness of your own triggers

It's huge And then when you have that awareness of your triggers, is to have your own arsenal of calm down strategies I know, an "arsenal" of calm down strategies, I don't know if there ever was such an an oxymoron! But really, to know for you Again, this is completely separate from what your kids are doing, what helps you calm down Whether it is taking a few deep breaths, whether it is excusing yourself to a different room, whether it is sitting down and just reading a book for a few minutes, whether it is pulling the car over and just getting out and going and sitting on the trunk for five minutes if you need that to catch your calm

So it's just thinking for yourself, what helps me find my calm? What do I need? What will bring me down when I'm at the red zone? What's gonna help bring me back down to the Green Zone? And again, it'll be different for everyone You can even talk with your friends, or your partner, or someone if you're having trouble figuring out what helps you find your calm What helps cool you off, so you know in that moment, when you can feel it rising, that you can do these things to help bring your brain back online Because when we flip our lids and we're losing our minds, we've literally lost our mind And we're not in a space to be dealing with our kids

So finding your own calm down strategies is huge And then even when you're aware of your triggers, and even when you've tried to calm yourself, sometimes we still lose our minds Sometimes it's just too much and we lose our minds And as far as how to deal in that moment, it's stopping Stopping mid-sentence if you had to

This is something that me, looking back on the freakout I was telling you about, I wish that I would have done And I will try, this is something I'm gonna try to do moving forward Is instead of just allowing the verbal diarrhea of the freakout to continue, as my own catharsis, I'm just like spewing on to my kids — is stopping mid-sentence if I have to, and go back to those calm down strategies Whether it is pulling over the car, or taking five minutes for myself, excusing myself, whatever it is, stopping it Halting it, right there to take care of you

Because honestly, self care is so much more than a buzzword I feel like it's it's such a buzzword lately, but it's so much more than that Because we do need to put on our own oxygen mask first Look at me! I'm throwing all these metaphors in here! But we really do We cannot respond to our kids if we are losing it ourselves

So do whatever you need to do to help find your calm *before* you deal with the misbehaviour, or before you deal with whatever situation you needed to deal with with your kids Take care of you first! And then beyond how to deal in the moment, there are some really proactive, preventative things we can look at that will lessen the amount of times we are freaking-our-freak on our kids And one of the big things is just looking at triggers when it comes to your relationship with your kids Is it certain behavioural challenges? Is it certain transitions? Are you losing your cool every single morning at breakfast? Are you freaking out every single time it's time to go to soccer practice? And getting really specific and narrowing in on what that issue is, and then making a plan for dealing with that proactively And it cannot be too specific

Like if you think it's something really minor, focus on that really minor thing Like heck, for me my whole transition into launching what I'm doing now and speaking to you now and creating these videos was because my 19 month old would would not stop smashing his toys on the TV when I was trying to feed his newborn baby brother, and I'm losing my mind 50 million times a day And I hated it So for me, it was focusing on that one behaviour How am I going to manage that? What is my plan? What am I going to do when he smashes his toys on the TV? And that is slowly what changed everything

Because now I had a plan Now I knew how I was going to respond when he would smash his toys on the TV, so I didn't have to freak out every day because I had a plan And then slowly that behaviour changed Of course, if you're thinking of, "ok, what's the issue what am I dealing with? How do I deal with this?" let me know in the comments below and I'll see, heck I probably have a video on it! If not, I can chat with you and give you some strategies to try out So zero in on those those common triggers, zero in on those common behaviour challenges, and make a plan for that specific behaviour challenge or that specific transition, to lessen the amount of times that you're feeling stress and you're feeling frustrated with your kids

It'll help you find your calm And then the other thing too, that I want to add just before I leave you today, is just the importance of self compassion Because I don't know if there's anything that can bring on the guilt quite like when you totally friggin lose your mind on your kids Where we can be our own worst enemy So not only did we just lose our minds, now we're losing our minds on beating ourselves up about what we just did

So try to talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend How would you talk to a friend who just came to you and said, "oh my gosh I just, I'm feeling awful I screamed at the kids over something It wasn't their fault and I'm just I'm feeling so terrible about it

" How would you respond to that friend? What would you say to that friend? How would you treat that friend? You'd treat with them with kindness, right?! You would treat them with love And you would treat them with compassion Turn that mirror back on yourself Turn that mirror back on yourself Say goodbye to the negative self-talk and the guilt

Sometimes you just need to give yourself a hug and say, "man, you know what? Kelly that was not a good scene But you are a good mom and I know you love your kids, and we can just, we can do better next time" And it's just giving yourself that little pep talk "It's okay It's okay

It's okay" And I know it sounds funny as I'm sitting here in my kitchen talking to myself (well I'm not talking myself, I'm talking to you!) But really, like don't be afraid to show yourself compassion Do you know what we need to do?! We need to stop beating ourselves up about all of our mistakes! And stop beating ourselves up when we lose our minds! Because none of us likes losing our minds! None of us likes talking to our kids that way! It's just a momentary lapse So take that lapse, wrap your arms around yourself if you need to, and talk to yourself like you talk to a friend You deserve it

You deserve it You deserve it You deserve it If I haven't said it yet, you deserve it! So I hope that helps guys! I know yelling at your kids is hard, and it's tricky, and it can be a process It can be a process, finding your calm in those moments of stress and frustration, and dealing with our kids in a way that makes us feel good

In a way that makes us feel good Because I think that's what it comes down to at the end of the day We didn't have kids to yell at them and scream at them all day Of course we didn't We want to help them, and engage with them, and guide them, and teach them, and have a good relationship with them

Honestly, being aware of your own triggers and having your own calm down strategies, it's half the battle, right there But of course, any questions, comments, concerns, leave them down below I'd love to chat with you And if you're looking for more in depth resources or if you want to have one-on-ones during my live office hours, make sure to check us out in the Parent 'Hood! We'd absolutely love to have you So best of luck, guys! I'll be sending you all my calm vibes, and I'll see you in the next video!

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