Parenting Course Module 2 – Which Parenting Personality Are You?

I'm a board-certified neurologist and a certified positive discipline parent educator and I would like to walk you through this module which discusses different types of parenting so you've all probably heard about four different styles of parenting Authoritative Authoritarian Permissive and Uninvolved parenting styles According to this ten-minute online parenting style test which you can find at psychology today

com if you just google parenting style test (https://wwwpsychologytodaycom/tests/personality/parenting-style-test) my style came back as authoritative Answering those questions about the hypothetical scenarios, I could not help but wonder just how honest I was being with myself and even if I was honest, how often would I act in that same way? Despite the result claiming I am an authoritative parent, my upbringing and genetics have set me up to be much more of a natural at Authoritarian or a Permissive style of parenting Every day I have to re-parent myself, literally forcing phrases and actions that goes against every fiber of my being because knowing something well and being able to teach it to others is not the same thing as being it So how much variability is between these 4 parenting styles? The main difference between them is the degree of parental achievement in the level of demandingness

Some being too low and some being too high on the spectrum For instance the permissive parent gives off lots of love and warmth but is extremely low on being demanding and holding the child responsible for misbehavior This is the parent that gives in to every whim of a child and spends a lot of energy ensuring the kid is never upset, going to great lengths to shelter the child from negative consequences The outcome of being permissive is a child that feels over entitled and lacks resilience The Authoritarian is the opposite – extremely low and warmth but high-end demands and punishments

This is the parent that believes in being strict and expects the child to obey by the rules for else The outcome is a child that is obedient but lacks creativity and has a harder time thinking for himself or herself and freely expressing those emotions Sadly this is a setup for a rebellious teen with a risk of developing psychological problems later on (anxiety, depression etc) The uninvolved parent is checked out

Pretty self-explanatory The outcome of this style of parenting can depend on what other influences the child gets subjected to during the upbringing? If grandparents for instance or a partner pick up the slack, this child may be well off provided the caregiver was attuned and had kind and firm boundaries However if the child was left to his/her own defenses and was raised on TV Media and hanging around similar aged peers, depending of course on types of peers, the moral compass may be disrupted The authoritative parent is the balanced one with proper ingredients of love and warmth yet still demanding of the child to act responsible and respectful The research has consistently shown that this is the style that leads to children that are best adjusted and thrived the most socially and academically

As many like to say "parenting does not come with handbook" Well learning how to be authoritative is as close as you can get to having that book with tools that will allow a parent to shape their children into kind, good adults But is it possible to remain in one parenting style 100% of the time? Depending on the level of stress we're under or how much sleep we get, how many bad news we get, the preferred parenting style can just as quickly become an imaginary style Let me share a personal story to demonstrate this point One day my fully potty-trained toddler had her second pee-pee accident

Her first one was at preschool few hours earlier and the second one happened as we got home, right before her getting out of the car Being tired and hungry, she lost it for good the second time around I put on my authoritative hat I gently told her we would not go into the house and screaming hurts other people's ears And we would sit outside the house, with me holding her through her sobbing gently patting her on her back

I sat there in silence for a while with me occasionally saying: "this really upset you You really don't like being wet, you like being dry" And then fast forward to the end of the day when we are reading our last story and her little finger shoots like an arrow right into my left eye, causing me to scream in pain: "ouch! my eye!" After I proceed to tell her that I cannot see the text in the book anymore because I'm hurting so much she goes on demanding we continue to read without any acknowledgement of having nearly left me blind Without any empathy whatsoever As empathy is a big deal in our household, I get annoyed about this So my "Uninvolved parent" hat gets put on

Seeing that she cannot be reasoned with, I walk out of the bedroom I go into the bathroom with my hands tight against my ears, not to hear her piercing screams And I just sit there waiting for my husband to come upstairs and calm her down Not a happy parenting moment there and this moments happen pretty much daily What I realize is that it is good to have high expectations of ourselves and hold ourselves to those ideals

But that it is good to also be honest with ourselves and admit that moments of being on nurturing and overly strict are bound to happen and it's good to have a back-up plan for when they do In my case the back-up plan was my husband who is accustomed to the end of the day "Uninvolved parent hat" situations as much as I dislike to admit this The other comforting notion was my knowing that I would try to talk to her again in a more loving way and explain to her why I had to leave the room so suddenly at that moment Even at that moment of deep hurt, I was already thinking of words to say to her once I would enter the bedroom again And so the permissive hat had started transforming into an authoritative hat How we parent is similar to nutrition

There will be some nights the child will not eat much And there will be some days the appetite will be at its peak As long as overall in a span of a week the child's belly is more full than not the child's belly is more full than not, the child will continue to grow The same idea is for the child of a parent like me As long as most days I have enough emotional regulation to act and talk to her in ways that are psychologically nourishing I know she will grow emotionally and she will be just fine So here's a quick list of authoritative parenting principles that I live by that I would like to share with you

# 1: Explain your reasoning behind the rules # 1: Explain your reasoning behind the rules # 2: Show respect for your child's opinions No matter how ridiculous they seem to you at the time? # 3: Teach your child responsibility; allow your child to make their own reasonable choices reasonable choices # 4 # 4: Stay calm, no matter what, try to regulate yourself and remain neutral Model emotional self control to your children # 5 # 5: Create environments for your child where he or she can be encouraged to exercise their freedom and autonomy # 6: Say this phrase a lot: "I love you no matter what

" # 7: " Do not shelter your children from adversity Let you children learn how to deal with difficult situations #8: Decide in advance what you will do for kind discipline and stick to it consistently? # 9 # 9: Let life teach those tough lessons while giving needed supervision, love and warmth #10: Take active role in your children's lives, remain highly interested, involved and connected Do I live by these principles all the time? Of course not! Do I TRY to live by them most of the time? Perhaps my husband should be the one to answer this question 😉 Hope this module was useful for you

Till next time Signing off DrNikolskaya For more evidence based parenting content or to watch more Parenting Course Modules go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting go to You Tube or FB page Neurologist's Guide To Parenting And here is an example of grey zone

Are parents here being too permissive or authoritatively allowing autonomy? 🙂 And here is an example of grey zone Are parents here being too permissive or authoritatively allowing autonomy? 🙂 And here is an example of grey zone Are parents here being too permissive or authoritatively allowing autonomy? 🙂 And here is an example of grey zone Are parents here being too permissive or authoritatively allowing autonomy? 🙂 And here is an example of grey zone Are parents here being too permissive or authoritatively allowing autonomy? 🙂 And here is an example of grey zone

Are parents here being too permissive or authoritatively allowing autonomy? 🙂