[ Knocking ] Guess who's here Drumroll, please
♪♪ [ Drumming ] ♪♪ [ Maracas Shaking ] [ Shouting ] Wow I didn't hear you coming up the driveway Would have given me time to hide Oh, we don't play it outside That would be rude to the neighbors
Henry, you're a little loud Isn't he cute? Make sure he practices, Reba Practices? Why don't you go practice in the living room, honey? There you go Bye, sweetie Bye
Barbra Jean, what were you thinking? Why didn't you just bring him over here with a set of bagpipes? Reba, drummers get the chicks [ Chuckles ] Henry, can you stop that for a moment? Oh, he's in the middle of a song How can you tell? Seriously, Henry I'm getting a headache The music will help you, Reba
Just let it wash over you It's– I don't want it to wash over me I want it to stop Henry, knock it off! I guess the band took a little break [ Reba ] Ha, hey! ♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪ ♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪ ♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪ ♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪ ♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪ ♪ With gentle hands ♪ ♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪ ♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪ I cannot believe you just yelled at my child
That wasn't yelling I was just trying to be heard over the drum solo Well, you've very tough when you're picking on a four-year-old, Reba Okay? Why don't you try picking on me? All right? I'm not scared of you Okay
Maybe a little Look He wasn't listening I was just trying to give him a little discipline Yeah, well, you don't get to
He's not your son You discipline Jake Well, of course I do Jake is my stepson Technically, you're nothing to Henry
Then why is he here in my house? Why are you here in my house? If I'm nothing to the both of you, why are you always here? Well– We're here because we like you! Well, I'm sorry! Okay If you're gonna keep coming over here– And who are we kidding? You are Then I need to be able to do something about Henry's behavior Fine But I insist you do what we do
In our house, we reason with Henry You reason with him? Yes I'm guessing he wins most of the time It's not about winning and losing I mean, if I stuck my fingers in my ears and held my breath, I'd probably win a lot too
Oh, Barbra Jean I hear that same song and dance from the parent of every kid that acts like a brat
Oh Brat? Yes [ Chuckles ] Okay, so now you're calling Henry names? So you're a yeller and a name-caller, but Henry's the problem No No, no, no
No No I'll tell you what the problem is Oh The problem is– Great
That's just what your brain needs– less oxygen What time is it? [ Together ] Guy time! [ Shouting ] Two men doing men things Getting the primal thing going So what is on the agenda today? Something I guarantee you've never done before Dwarf tossing
Is it dwarf tossing? You did not rent a dwarf! I had something a little more dignified in mind, Van We are going to a day spa [ Chuckles ] Yeah, right What are we gonna do? Get our nails done? [ Chuckles ] Yeah Manicure, pedicure, massage
They call it "the gentleman's fancy" Uh, Mr H, I know this question's a little late in our relationship, but, uh, are you gay? Men can care about their appearance too You know, and we should be secure enough in our masculinity to spend the day getting pampered Yeah, but, Mr H, I need to do something that can get rid of all the tension and aggression that builds up during the week I mean, when I used to play football, I would get all of my frustrations out Then I got married And I had to bury it down deep
That's why I need to go bowling or toss a dwarf Trust me, Van The spa experience will change your life Huh? All right All right
But they don't mess with your hair, do they? 'Cause Julio would scratch my eyes out [ Cartoon Playing On TV ] Jake, didn't I tell you you can't have your bat in the house? But what if we're attacked? What if I tan your hide? Then I can fight you off with my bat Put it outside – Ding-dong – Yes, you are
[ Chuckles ] Clever What would you have said if I would have said "knock-knock"? I would have said you're a ding-dong – No drum, huh? – That is correct This time, Henry is going to act like a little gentleman But just to be sure, I am going to give him a gentle reminder
Observe– the Barbra Jean method of parenting Yo, remember, Henry The Notorious SOC
, the first puppet of hip-hop, says yo, yo, yo, you gotta put your best foot forward, okay? No! Now, Henry, "no" is a bad word That is why Mommy doesn't say it
Okay? So– So why don't you just say "maybe"? Okay? No! Okay Just run along and play All right [ Sighs ] What's wrong with you? Nothing's wrong with her, you rude lady [ High-pitched Voice ] You're hurting me
You smell like Brock's feet I am making discipline fun See, I communicate with Henry using puppets and hip-hop I call it "Be Good in the Hood" [ Chuckles ] ♪♪ [ Imitates Beat Box, Record Scratching ] Buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh behave! You're buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh bananas
Make fun, but it works See, if he behaves for a day, he gets a blue sticker And with seven blue stickers, he can trade it in for a star sticker And with four star stickers, he gets to be the mommy for a day Well, my daddy used to swat me with a switch
And if I talked back, I got upgraded to two more swats Well, that explains the temper [ Chuckles ] No, Barbra Jean That explains why, when my daddy told me to do something, I did it Yeah, but that is so old-school
Reba, there is a whole new loving world of parenting out there No No There's a whole world full of out-of-control kids because their parents don't tell 'em no Well, Henry is not out of control [ Glass Shatters ] [ Jake ] Henry did it Tell your puppet to get a bruh-bruh, bruh-bruh, bruh-bruh broom
Okay, boys What happened? I was trying to put my bat outside, and Henry grabbed it from me and swung it at me By the way, strike one [ Gasps ] Oh, Henry Why would you do that? I-I-I didn't do it
Oh, Henry Reba, I am so sorry I am going to handle this right now Thank you Okay
Come here Now, Henry, Mommy loves you, and we're still gonna go get ice cream, but if you ever do this again, I'm gonna have to take away a blue sticker
Okay? Now you consider this your first lamp warning First lamp warning? He did something bad He should be punished Reba, that is not the way to handle this All the statistics show that punishment does not work
Your way only encourages violence Violence? He just beat my lamp to death with this bat And if he ever does it again, he'll get the proper sticker penalty – Get out – What? – Get out, and take Chucky with you
– [ Gasps ] Reba, he is just a child You cannot blame him for something like this Oh, I don't blame him I blame you Bad behavior comes from bad parenting
Okay You don't mean that I mean that, and I mean this too Time to go – Okay, well, I'm not leaving
– I'll give you till the count of three One– – Reba, we need to talk about this – Two– Okay, I'm not a child Three! Did you just spank me? That's for talking back Okay, you know what? We are out of here
That's the idea Jake, have you seen the glue? Elizabeth broke Mom's picture frame, and she's so mad about the lamp, I know she's gonna freak So tell her Henry broke it That's what I did – What? – Yeah
I broke the lamp, Henry took the fall Sweet – Hey, guys – Mom, Jake broke the lamp and blamed it on Henry Hey! You're my sister
You're not supposed to rat me out Jake, why would you do that? Henry never gets punished anyway So I figured, why not blame him? He gets ice cream I don't get punished It's all good
No, it's not 'Cause you're grounded for a week for breaking the lamp and another week for lying to me
Two weeks? I have Josh's birthday party next week You shouldn't have lied to me It's not fair! You keep mouthing off at me, young man, and you won't see your birthday I hate it here! Yeah, and I hate that I have to apologize to Barbra Jean What'd you do to Barbra Jean? Oh, I spanked her
What happened to my picture frame? Jake broke it Hey So you did the warm milk bath, huh? How was that? Oh, man It was terrific Yeah? Hey, did you know if you pass gas in milk, the bubble takes, like, forever to reach the surface? You should try it in a mud bath
I don't even know where it goes Oh, I'm really starting to get into this, Mr H Good guy time selection Thanks, pal
Hey, you know what? You should start calling me Brock – Really? – Yeah Well, I guess I could try that Brock Yeah
– It sounds weird – [ Chuckles ] Oh – You'll get used to it – No I mean you have a weird name
Sounds like a parrot Brock Brock See? I'm so relaxed, that doesn't even bug me It's like a bird that warns of danger
Brock! – Brock! – Yeah Okay, Van Hey, hey, hey – Brock! – All right Come on
[ Sighs ] Oh So, Van, wasn't I right? Isn't this great? Oh, you know, I have to admit it I have kept my masculinity intact, and my skin is glowing [ Laughs ] I look like a god [ Chuckles ] Yeah
And you haven't even had the massage yet Okay I'm Robert I'll be your masseur Hank's running a little bit late, guys
Make yourselves comfortable – I'll be right in – All right Uh, hello I thought we were gonna have women rub us
No No Guys are stronger True They're also guys
Van, trust me Look You just admitted that I'd been right so far Besides, what are you afraid of? That if a guy rubs your back, you'll turn gay? No But what if I like it? Who's first? Him
No, no, no Van, you go Hank is my guy Okay, then Any problem areas? No
No I just needed to lie down Thanks, Rob Van Look
Give him the deep-tissue shiatsu What? Yeah What? Hey Hey Oh
[ Chuckles ] Can we ju– Oh, it's– Ooh! Ooh There's a spot Ooh! Yeah Yeah You know what? I'm gonna have Hank do a little extra on my upper back
I mean, my shoulders are all knotted up from picking up Henry You know, kids are funny When I pick up Henry, then I pick up Elizabeth, she feels light as a feather Yeah She's just a little bit of a thing, huh? But she's cute as a button
Yeah So is Henry though [ Sighs ] We're lucky to have such great kids Yeah I can't imagine life without 'em
But, you know, they're lucky too, Van They've got two great dads who love 'em [ Sobbing ] Excuse me Are you crying? No Well, you don't have to stop rubbing
Oh Oh, I'm sorry I just always get choked up when I hear people talk about their kids It's, like, the one thing in my life I really feel like I'm missing Yeah, well, you're young
You got plenty of time yet Oh, I want to adopt, but Peter worries it'll be too hard for a child to grow up with gay parents
But look at you two Brock I mean, I realize people could be hurtful and ignorant, but, oh, we have so much love to offer a child Meeting a gay couple who are so happy– it's like a miracle You guys are perfect – Brock! – Oh
Brock! Van Van You know, uh, Robert, uh, we're not exactly, uh, perfect Yes, you are You're perfect because you love your children
That's all anybody needs to do God bless you Yeah, well, right back at ya, Robert And it's so great that you two still find time for each other That's the key to a good relationship
Yeah Peter and I call that our guy time Brock! [ Groaning ] Brock! Yes, Officer I'd like to report an assault Yes
My husband's ex-wife spanked me Well, she's a redhead, and I'm a blonde, but– What does that have to do with anything? [ Door Opens ] She's here Send help Hmm? Hmm? It's okay, Barbra Jean I'm here to apologize
Mm-hmm? Well, an apology won't take the red marks off my snowy white bottom Oh, come on We both knew that the spanking was coming sooner or later But you didn't deserve it today, because apparently Jake was the one that broke the lamp Really? Yes
As painful as it is for me to admit to you that I was wrong– and it is painful, very painful– I just think it's right that I be very honest with you You deserve that Oh Yeah And I'm gonna start giving Henry the benefit of the doubt
because I'm sure that it was Jake that did most of the stuff that I've been blaming Henry for Oh, Reba Oh, this is why all my clothes smell like Barbra Jean Get back Oh, you don't understand
Jake's an angel Henry is the devil [ Snarls ] – What? – Oh, he's done tons of awful stuff at your house that we blamed on Van The overflowing toilet The oven The dent in your car – Henry did that? – With his head
And he steals Reba, here Here's that earring you've been looking for I put it back three times, but he keeps taking it Barbra Jean, you need to do something to Henry when he misbehaves
You have to discipline him with something other than blue stickers Well, the blue stickers are for when he's good The red stickers are for when he's bad, although I'm thinking of getting rid of the stickers altogether You know, I might just give him money You need to be firm with him– mean almost
– Yeah, but then he won't like me – Would you listen to yourself? You're not supposed to be your kid's friend You're his mother It's your job Do you think Jake is very happy with me right now? He did something wrong, and I had to punish him
I had to be strong Mmm Even though he told me he hates to be with me Reba, Jake didn't mean that Well, the fact of the matter is my little man is very mad right now
And although I know it'll pass in time– [ Voice Breaks ] it's a very hard thing to hear Oh, Reba, it's okay I'm okay Just let it out I know
I know Your little man, you know– he loves you [ Crying ] I know he does Yeah Oh, here
Here you go Here you go Here you go [ Sobbing ] You know– Just like, you know, I know that Henry would still love me if I had to tell him no sometimes Yeah Even though I know how much it hurts when he's mommy for the day and he tells me no [ Snorts ] Oh, God
Why is being a mother so hard? I know I hate it You know, I love it, but I hate it – [ Both Sobbing ] – [ Glass Shatters ] He's awake [ Shudders ] Acme! [ Coughing ]
